Tag Archive for 'anger'

unmedicated

Published
by
iAN
on April 28, 2008
in general musings
. 4 Comments

August 5th, 2006: I am pretty happy with life in general.

August 6th, 2006: Upset to be leaving to Iraq for a year, but sure the trek will make me stronger, better.

August 6th, 2007: 365 days in Iraq; nearly 60 days to go - my confidence wanes.  I am unhappy.

September 26th, 2007: My feet are back on the ground in Hawaii, and I am happy to be home.

April 22nd, 2008: After dealing with serious emotional issues for several months, I succumb to the reality I may need medication.

April 23rd, 2008: I visit the Soldier Assistance Center and ask to see my provider to discuss medication options.  I am told walk-in hours are at 7:30 AM. Won’t you please come back tomorrow?

April 24th, 2008: It is 7:15 AM and I wait for the doors to open.  They do, and I am told all questions regarding medication must be addressed in their daily walk-in medication briefings, held at 1:30 PM.  Won’t you please come back this afternoon?

April 28th, 2008: Unable to return for Thursday’s walk-in, and again unable to enjoy the weekend, I take time out of my day off to travel to work and attend the medication briefing.  I am told those briefings are held at 10:30 AM on Mondays. Won’t you please come back tomorrow?

Tomorrow I have a dental appointment at 10:30, and bigR’s soccer practice at 5.  It is highly unlikely I will be given the liberty to disappear from work three times in one day.  Won’t you please try again Wednesday?

At this point I am certain I would have more success seeking “medication” from random strangers on the streets of Wahiawa.

theraputicising

Published
by
iAN
on April 8, 2008
in general musings
. 0 Comments

I would be remiss in my duties as a historian were I to ignore recounting the counseling session I attended yesterday. In short, it was great. I only teared up a little bit, but just remember I’m a lot stronger than you, Constant Reader, and if you tell anyone I cried, I’ll kick your ass.

The doc I saw was a wonderful young woman with a very pleasant way about her. She obviously loves her work and I appreciate the dedication she has to improving others’ lives. (Plus I gave her this address, so if she actually makes it around to reading here, I figured a kind (and honest!) word would be a nice touch!)

We did the typical life history thing, going all the way back to nineteen eighty-something and discussing family life from way back when to the present.

I’ll spare all the gory details, but I definitely think I’m on a good path, and I have high hopes for my progression, and for the strength of my family. I’ll be attending monthly sessions with Miss M, and weekly group PTSD sessions (which I truly hope are nothing at all like the Stress Management classes I took back in Fort Bragg!).

Updates to be written as the story develops …

coincidence - but, not quite like you’re thinking

Published
by
iAN
on April 7, 2008
in army
. 0 Comments

As I mentioned briefly, I finally made it to my first individual therapy session today.  Were it not for Responsible Wife and her tried-and-true pen-and-paper calendering, I surely would have missed it.  In fact I thought I already had.  I arrived at the wrong building with five minutes to spare before my appointment time.  It’s not generally like me to be later than ten to fifteen minutes early, but the car’s dead, I have an actual job now, etc.  Trouble is, I was in the wrong building.  Active duty sessions are handled by a completely different group, and not in the same location as the family counselors.

On the short drive from point Wrong to point Right, I was already fighting with the receptionist - in my head.  I imagined her scolding me for being late, she was just about to mark me a no-show, she was going to send a message to my Commander, etc.  How sad is that?  I’ve not even met this person, and already I’m being defensive and actually getting angry at her.

The lameness of my emotions was compounded when I learned it was a two-hour session, the first hour consisting of a questionnaire to be completed before the actual session began.

Let’s back up to just before the questionnaire.

As I walked in, five minutes late, I overheard the receptionist on the telephone asking for Sergeant Terry.  I politely butted in and informed her I was Sergeant Terry, “and could you please tell my wife “hello” for me?”   She obliged, and hung up.

Wow, nice timing.  Except not so much.  That was the wrong Terry.  The same Other Terry I have been confused with at least a dozen times now.  His first name is the same as my middle name, making the mix-up even more difficult to diagnose for some people.

Now I’m back at my desk, dutifully recording this event for the historical record, and wondering how the same conversation will play out for the Other Terrys once he gets home.

a better deal

Published
by
iAN
on April 1, 2008
in general musings
. 2 Comments

Last night was pretty good.  I had determined to keep my anger in check and make it good.  While I often contend I don’t have any control over my anger, that’s just a cop-out and an easy way to stay grouchy and avoid doing anything.  In truth I’m really not that weak - at least I hope not.

bigR’s attitude wasn’t quite as bad as it has been lately, and I guess mine wasn’t either (coincidence or cause &  effect?).  I’d spent most of the weekend in an awful mood for no reason at all, and the whole family was more than a little annoyed with me.  Yesterday I was feeling pretty good, though.  Maybe it was the previous night’s maritals or perhaps the thinly-veiled compliments the urologist gave me earlier in the day that had me in a better mood - doesn’t much matter.

Outside play session ended smoothly as dinner time arrived.  (When I came home, bigR’s hair was in a “spike” that would be more appropriately described as a “pig tail”.  I love how macho, tough guy, check out my muscles he is while at the same time caring for his daffodils and playing with Barbie.  He’s so rad when he’s in a good mood.

Dinner was good, temporary tattoo was excellent, bath time was tolerable.  Sleepy Wife laid down with littleR (getting so big!) and bigR and I just kinda chilled out in the living room, coloring some animals in his new coloring book.

Once bed time came around, he went without a fuss.  His only complaint was mama and sister asleep in his bed.  Lucky him, he gets to sleep with daddy!  On a side note, littleR has definitely grown tired of her crib.  I think it’s time to disassemble the bunk bed and give her her own big girl bed :]

Ok, fast forward a few hours to this morning.

The alarm sounded promptly at 4 AM, and I awoke to find bigR all sprawled out on his back - on top of me.  I’m not sure how he managed it without me waking up, but he was full on using me as his bed.  It was so silly and I really really really didn’t want to get up.

I’m hoping I can maintain control of my emotions long enough to have two good days in a row - send me some positive energy!  Now!

angry boy

Published
by
iAN
on March 31, 2008
in general musings
. 0 Comments

Observant Wife says:

Dude, bigR sounds just like you when he’s irritated or mad. Same tone of voice and everything. It’s so crazy to see them take on our character traits.

I suppose I should stop canceling my therapy appointments and make an actual attempt to deal with my anger issues?

the origin of anger

Published
by
iAN
on March 30, 2008
in general musings
. 2 Comments

I’ve commented before on the back and forth bigR and I often have. Our tempers feed off each other and we both get progressively shorter with each other. He gets over it in ten seconds, while it usually takes me a bit longer.

I got to wondering today if our relationship was remarkable. I thought about my relationship with my own father, years ago, and the bits and pieces I know of other people and their fathers. Ten times out of ten, people remember being afraid of their father growing up, or at least the thought of “what your father will do!” when he comes home.

So what?  Am I off the hook?  Is my temper a natural part of being a father, head-achy, tired and cranky?

Even as I write this with headphones on, grooving to Morphine, every sound I hear behind me, I look, hoping to see the little dude up from his nap so I can hug and kiss him and tell him how much I love him.

I think this is why I’d decided to stop writing like this - my head just spirals, my words lack cohesion, and it makes for a less than interesting read.  Then I just get frustrated that I can’t express myself.

snapping, but not like a turtle

Published
by
tdp
on March 21, 2008
in the daddy project
. 0 Comments

There’s a very destructive cycle that wraps around my relationship with bigR. I have obvious and serious anger issues, and often (OK always) snap far too quickly when the little dude is not acting quite right. Trouble is, he snaps just as quickly, which causes me to snap even quicker, which causes him to — see how obvious?

He’s three, he’s temperamental, I understand that. I’m thirty, I’m cranky, I understand that, as well. But that should place me with the advantage, right? I know I’m anger prone and short-tempered, and I understand his stage in life. bigR just knows I’m daddy, and everything I do, he does.

It’s just too bad he’s such an attentive observer and an uncanny imitator.

// This post can also be seen on theDaddyProject.

headaches, medication, anger, etc.

Published
by
tdp
on March 11, 2008
in general musings and the daddy project
. 1 Comment

Today’s been rough. Steadily worse. A battle to control my anger, as my fuse burns shorter and shorter. I’m almost too tense to write - it’s amazing how distracting such frustration can be.

So what’s got me upset? The usual. Noise, headaches, sinus trouble, bigR’s attitude, littleR’s perfectly-pitched cries, work. You’d think after all this time I’d have learned to deal with it all and just relax, but I can’t. The worst of it is, after wrangling a free day off work for my nonsectomy, I slept for eleven hours last night. That’s like, unheard of. Seems the longer I sleep the worse I wake up feeling. That’s not right.

I should be on my way to the airport to pick up my mother right now, but her flight is having numerous problems, which is unsurprising. She is flying out here on a free ticket she received for her last flight having problems. Looks to be no different this time around. So, if you’d like to purchase just one ticket to Hawaii, then receive a free ticket every time you want to come back, fly ATA. This seems to be their standard practice.

Let’s get back to this headache; this thing will just NOT go away. As you may know I was recently prescribed Tramadol
for my migraines. So far we are swinging 0 for 2 on its effectiveness. After giving up on the drugs for the day, I turned to my Anti-Drug: alcohol. Guinness #1 went down nice and smooth with dinner; #2 is even better as I write this.

Here’s hoping for a better tomorrow.

// This post can also be seen on theDaddyProject.org